Declaration of War

We, the citizens of Patience Corners have come to the end of our patience. The conditions of transport through the region of Carport have become intolerable, and the destruction of Right Side Mirror on the morning of February 28, 2007 has escalated the conflict beyond the pale of diplomacy.

Know hereby by these notices that ANDY KERR, as a representative of the citizens of Patience Corners, has declared an open state of war upon the region of CARPORT.

Grievances

• The accumulation of Water, and their by-products of Mud, and Ice;
  
• The Dirtiness of Dirt;
  
• The assault on stability, including loss of footing;
  
• The loss of small parts, nuts, and screws;
  
• The inability to be shoveled or cleared of snow, ice, and dirt;
  
• The inability to use standard vehicle-repair tools, such as jacks, swingarm stands, and creepers;
  
• The inability to properly support sidestand-stabilized vehicles (e.g., motorcycles), resulting in their downfall and damage, including, but not limited to, mirrors, brake and clutch levers, and bodywork.

Resolution

We do not seek reparations or damages. Rather, it is our express desire that the entire area of Carport be buried under concrete to a depth of not less than six inches.

Unless these above-mentioned grievances are addressed, we the people of Patience Corners, will come against Carport with mechanical, biological, and chemical weapons (namely hand tools, muscle, and concrete) and may acquire weapons of mass cement-mixing or hire mercenaries to aid in this conflict.

We will bury you.

Signed,

Andy Kerr
Minister of Finance

Andy Kerr
Minister of Transportation

Andy Kerr
Director of Home & Land Security

Andy Kerr
Chancellor of the Exchequer

Frio Trio

I've been meaning to post these for a while now. These are from a few weeks ago, when it started getting seriously cold and snowing heavily.

The Frio Trio, crossing the canal that separates the Island from the rest of Winona Lake. I'm up on the bridge, with the kids.

I was surprised to learn that May had never been sledding before. I figured that there had been few opportunities down in Ecuador, but I'd also thought that she would have been in New Hampshire in the wintertime a bit more often. Not so. She didn't seem too reassured when I told her you don't really steer one of these sleds, you just sort of aim it.

"How do you steer?!" May, just about to go down the hill for the first time.

It was bitterly cold that day, though, and despite bundling them to the point of immobilizing them, the kids were crying from the cold after about half an hour. Paul and I played the heroes and carried the kids the three blocks home, and I stayed with them so that May, Deborah and Paul could all go sledding. I wasn't terribly happy about this, but that was largely due to the fact that both Fiona and Aiden cried and screamed for about 45 minutes solid until they were sufficiently warm, dry, fed, rested, and distracted. Thank God for Veggietales!

May brought Paul home.

Waiting for Spring

It's actually above freezing today. I'm going to sit down, right here, and wait for Spring.

Adventures in proofreading

Imagine if... you had a game called iMagiNiff [sic], and while playing with your friends (Hi Renée! Yes, you're in the picture!) you notice a particularly egregious typo?

iMagiNiff ______ were a board game. Which would he/she be?

Between this and the fact that the game arrived without half the pieces, I tend to wonder a bit about the quality control over at Buffalo Games! But, given the fact that they sent us the replacement pieces right away, and they've provided us with a great deal of amusement in the meantime, I'll overlook that. (Fun game, by the way.)

Two haikus for Winter

old woman in red
sweeps the sidewalk with a broom
snow gleams white and clean

hammock by the lake
remembers warmer breezes
hope, frozen, awaits.

Never miss a marketing opportunity!

It's snowing. It's blowing. It's doing quite a bit of both, actually, with plenty more expected. Schools are closed. The library is closed. I just got an email inviting me to take advantage of the "Valentine's Day Blizzard Sale!"

Some folks just don't miss a beat, do they?

These things come in threes, right?

Two thirds of the Prepress Department at work now have broken arms. Pam fell yesterday, breaking her radius just above the wrist; she'll be going in for surgery tomorrow. Barb fell on saturday, breaking her arm.

Dave was talking about putting me in some sort of protective bubble.

Temporary Insanity

I'm building a case for temporary insanity. I might need to use it someday.

The last few days have been wickedly, bitterly cold, and, with my thermometer telling me it's -19°F (I've since learned to account for the 20° error) I figured it was time to make an attempt on my old record. What old record? Well, the one that had me doing 50 miles at 5°F. On a motorcycle.

Last time I tried this, I had to stop every ten minutes and warm up my hands on the muffler. My legs were frozen, and I shivered uncontrollably for more than two hours when I got home. This time, things went much better — despite the colder temperatures and 40 mph winds — largely due, I think, to some insulated bib overalls I found on clearance last spring for $6. Oh, what a difference! My legs weren't cold at all, and my body didn't feel like it had to shut down blood flow to other necessary bits, like my fingers. I was able to do about 26 miles at a time without stopping, and with one less layer on my top half, to boot. Speaking of boots, that's the part I need to upgrade next — for some reason, my heels were frozen solid, painfully so. Why not my toes? No idea. Maybe it's the steel toe, keeping them warm, or, at least, out of the wind blast.

Those boots were my lifeline for reading the road, though. Whenever I came to a section of road that looked different, I'd slow down, and drag a toe to see how the traction was. It worked very well, but I was still fooled once — a section of what I thought was dry, salt-white pavement turned out to be just plain snow on the road, and there was a very long, nervous moment as I felt both tires sliding and shunting back and forth as I offered up a two-word prayer ("Oh, Lord...") and rode it out to drier ground. Amazing how the cold was suddenly absent from my mind!

At any rate... my new record? 52 miles at a nice round 0°F.

So, what happens in the break room where *you* work?

I've worked a number of places, and it's not unusual to come into the break room and find someone reading. The difference with the place I work now is that they're reading Greek and Hebrew, and they're organized about it. Apparently, if you can at least stumble through either of those languages, you're invited to come join these guys (I've seen one other person, a seminary professor) for reading, translation, and interpretation every Thursday morning at 7.