Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Declaration of War

We, the citizens of Patience Corners have come to the end of our patience. The conditions of transport through the region of Carport have become intolerable, and the destruction of Right Side Mirror on the morning of February 28, 2007 has escalated the conflict beyond the pale of diplomacy.

Know hereby by these notices that ANDY KERR, as a representative of the citizens of Patience Corners, has declared an open state of war upon the region of CARPORT.

Grievances

  • The accumulation of Water, and their by-products of Mud, and Ice;
  • The Dirtiness of Dirt;
  • The assault on stability, including loss of footing;
  • The loss of small parts, nuts, and screws;
  • The inability to be shoveled or cleared of snow, ice, and dirt;
  • The inability to use standard vehicle-repair tools, such as jacks, swingarm stands, and creepers;
  • The inability to properly support sidestand-stabilized vehicles (e.g., motorcycles), resulting in their downfall and damage, including, but not limited to, mirrors, brake and clutch levers, and bodywork.

Resolution

We do not seek reparations or damages. Rather, it is our express desire that the entire area of Carport be buried under concrete to a depth of not less than six inches.

Unless these above-mentioned grievances are addressed, we the people of Patience Corners, will come against Carport with mechanical, biological, and chemical weapons (namely hand tools, muscle, and concrete) and may acquire weapons of mass cement-mixing or hire mercenaries to aid in this conflict.

We will bury you.

Signed,

Andy Kerr
Minister of Finance

Andy Kerr
Minister of Transportation

Andy Kerr
Director of Home & Land Security

Andy Kerr
Chancellor of the Exchequer

1 comment:

Mark said...

Go get 'em, Andy! The only good Carport is a dead Carport, I say. ;)