Thursday, September 24, 2009

Throw Towel Here

I've started this message four times now, each time with a different intention — putting this blog on hiatus, quitting everything, rebooting life, running away — just to say something, or to say why I haven't said anything, to to rail against the need to say anything.

I'm not doing well. I feel an acute lack of time, energy, and creativity. It's no help as I'm heading into the most intense time of the year at work, with demands for daily manic creativity.

And now, I'm going to tell you something strange about myself.

I can tell roughly how bad off I am by the song that runs unbidden through my head each morning. As I am now, it's Third Day's King of Glory:

Who is this King of Glory that pursues me with his love
And haunts me with each hearing of His softly spoken words
My conscience, a reminder of forgiveness that I need
Who is this King of Glory who offers it to me

Who is this King of angels, O blessed Prince of Peace
Revealing things of Heaven and all its mysteries
My spirit's ever longing for His grace in which to stand
Who is this King of glory, Son of God and son of man

His name is Jesus, precious Jesus
The Lord Almighty, the King of my heart
The King of glory

...which isn't a bad song, not by any stretch of the imagination. (Video here, if you're curious.) It's just played in a way that sounds like a deep breath of longing, and restoration that is so desperately needed. And it is.

When things are truly awful, Leslie Phillips starts running through my head. Now, I normally wouldn't admit to even knowing anything about '80s Christian pop (*shudder*) but somehow this song still sticks with me:

I open my eyes to the sound of morning news
And wish for ten more minutes left to sleep
and as I get into the shower the thoughts of facing one more day
Overwhelm me and I begin to weep
And I've never felt like I've needed Your help, so bad

Bridge 1:*
And every day I look to you
To be the strength of my life
You're the hope I hold onto
Be the strength of my life

Be the strength of my life
Strength of my life Be the strength of my life today
Be the strength of my life Strength of my life
Be the strength of my life today

* It's been 25 years since I've heard this, any my mind has simplified it a bit by deleting a few verses. If you can stand the sound of a 1985 camcorder ported to YouTube, you can get an idea of what the song sounded like here.

What I find remarkable is the unbidden nature of it, its consistency, and the fact that it's usually just what I need. And what I need, apparently, is to be drawn back to Jesus — who is this King of Glory, pursuing me with His love.


Amy @ Experience Imagination said...

I often wake up with a song running through my head, and nearly always it's just what I needed to hear. I I like to think of it as God's little clock radio in my brain. :)

Of course, then there are the mornings when I wake up singing Abba's "Dancing Queen." I almost never need to hear that first thing in the morning!

Linus said...

@Amy, I don't think Dancing Queen is hardly ever something I 'need' to hear.

@Andy, as I have been told a lot recently, this too shall pass. Someday, life will be perfect, we will have plenty of time with Jesus and we won't ever have to worry about all the little details that drag us down now. All we have to do is get through the part in between now and then. I don't know if that is encouraging or discouraging...

Jonadab said...

Huh. If I wake up with a song running through my head, it's usually a song I heard the previous day.

But it's not the weirdest thing I've ever heard. When my dad gets depressed, he watches the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies, repeatedly. No fooling. I have no idea why.

Anonymous said...

Andy, I'm sorry to hear that you felt all dragged out six days ago. I would have commented earlier, but we have been away from our internet connection until night before last.

Your creativity is very great but not boundless.... These are times when everyone feels pressured.... JC is still on the throne.... You're doing the right thing, talking about it with your friends and relations.... When I get this way I just thank God for everything, including what He will do to work out the evil that others do for the good of people like us who love Him.... The Top Man did not fail or become discouraged but brought forth justice to victory (Isaiah 42:4, applied to the Lord in the gospels), and His victory is ours.

We're praying for you, Love, Dad