Hang Ten

Always wave your arms about wildly. It helps.

One of the featured attractions at the Kalahari is the ability to surf indoors. Having spent eight years in California just slightly too far away from the coast — I could bike to Seal Beach and back in a day — this exerted a powerful pull on my imagination. I used to skate; how hard could it be to learn to surf...? $30 and a waiver later, I was signed up for surfing lessons.

I deeply appreciated the language of the waiver. It gave you a pretty good idea of what to expect. I think I did most of the things it mentions. It wasn't until I got there that I also saw signs suggesting more substantial clothing than what I had on; the flow of water is quite capable of removing your shorts. And there's a live video feed that goes throughout the hotel...

My instructor for the evening seemed to be wiping out on the surfboard about as much as me, so after a while, we switched to boogie boards, which were more his forté. That went much more smoothly.

To be honest, though, "more smoothly" is a little like saying, "slightly less fattening than bacon." I was staying on the board more, but being down lower made me feel like I was facing down two dozen fire hoses. I think I filtered a few thousnad gallons through my eyeballs alone. And I was still getting dumped every minute or two...

[cue surf music] Hahahahaha... wipeout!

Maybe the point of a vacation is to beat you up so badly that going back to normal life seems like a treat.

Or maybe that's just my idea of fun... :-)